"Jesus, will you be my dentist? You see, I have this cavity…" Imagining gospel-driven rockabilly pity lyrics keeps me laughing at myself.
Oscillating between depravity and redemption, lunacy and keen revelation, serenity glows like a distant dawn caught between the dualities of the spirit.
Learning how to process a heartbreak that will probably destroy everything I've known about myself up until now, will also create a space for a refined self-knowledge that can only come from ego-shattering stories. "Self-knowledge is seldom good news," I heard on a podcast the other day. But news is just news, right? Nothing personal, really.
Anger and grief are unreal to me. I am a stranger to myself. The self-berating questions pound around my brain without permission. Covering my ears and squeezing my eyes shut, I try and block them out, chanting "I don't exist. Everything will pass. Just let it go." Over and over again. To feel everything and understand nothing is insanity.
Love yourself, dear ones keep telling me. Pursue yourself, nurture yourself… Frankly, I can't stand myself right now. I'm not right. Can I accept this? Can I accept all of this? Can I love and be trusted? It will come. First, I need to seek out compassion, acceptance, and mindfulness. Gently.
Prayer, silence.
No comments:
Post a Comment